After everything… he’s gone.
I screamed, and yelled, and I still cry… everyday. He wasn’t supposed to leave just yet. But that’s me, being selfish. I love him so much.
There are plenty of things to tell you all, about what has happened, but you wouldn’t believe me if I did.
There will be no service. No funeral. No burial.
Just love… and the ocean.
This has been a very emotional week for all of us.
Yesterday, I met with the hospice intake nurse at Gp’s.
Today, he is in more pain than ever.
I cannot express the amount of guilt that I feel. It is not the cancer that is killing my grandpa, but the effects of the chemo. And his refusal to tell anyone ANYTHING that is going on. And now, it’s too late.
I hate myself for not being more direct, for actually relaxing after the chemo. For thinking it would all be OK now. I dropped the ball. There’s a voice telling me that this is all my fault. I did this to him.
But I know that it’s not true. The chemo kept him here a year longer. but the devil gets a hold of you and doesn’t want to let go.
I cannot stop crying when I see him. I try to keep up a front for him that it’s not so bad, or that I’m not a mess. I am a complete mess.
I do thank God that I have the training in health, and psychology that I do. All of it is coming together for him. How to move a body without causing more pain. How to treat a man without breaking his spirit.
I love him.
If you want to see GP you had better do it soon. Chances are that he will not make it to Christmas.
He is refusing to eat. Or use his walker.
He has turned into a skeleton. Refusing any help.
Pray for dad… and for me.
Grandpa has not been doing well. Mentally or physically.
He is refusing to eat, or do anything at all. He doesn’t shower, get dressed, get out of the house. nothing!
And since neither dad nor I can be with him 24/7 we may have to move him to a home.
This would probably be the best possible thing for him. But it will not go over well, I can promise you that.
Hey All.
So, now that GP is on his chemo vacation because he was doing so well… He took another tumble. Not only that but he hit his arm and really took a chunk out of it. AND HE DIDN’T TELL ANYONE!
Dad and I showed up yesterday just to see how he was doing, and to take him his meds, and I was totally grossed out! I went and searched the house for gauze pads and tape to at least keep it clean!
WHAT THE FUCK IS HE THINKING????
Let it be known that if I fall and hurt myself EVERYONE will be getting a phone call. IMMEDIATELY!
I’m beginning to think that I need to move out there just so that someone is there at night at least.
First off, I love GP. Now that I have said that, he’s driving me bananas. Huh? What? Did you say something? Oh are you here already?
ANSWER THE DAMN PHONE!
I didn’t think I’d miss her dinners, but I do. (is that a backhanded compliment?)
I really can’t explain one thing that he does, it’s more of every little thing.
Oh, and there was another PET scan today. so we have that to look forward to.
So, yeah.
No chemo yesterday. Gp’s white blood cells were too low to deal with. And might I add he is in fine form this week. (that’s sarcasm)
He’s been adding water, getting puffy all over. And not telling anyone. When dad and I stopped by the other day just to drop off a newspaper, I turned to dad and said “Something is wrong with his face”. It was all puffy as if he had a tooth infection!
So we went to his general practitioner, and she gave him a water pill and potassium.
Anyannoyingoldman… I got gp to the chemo place and the nurse told me no chemo. I told her i’d pay them to keep him for the 2 hours.
Here’s the deal. When he’s getting chemo, I know he’s ok. Someone else is there taking care of him for 2 hours. And I can do whatever. Even if that is NOTHING.
And he’s socializing while he’s there. which is a plus. Since he won’t get off his ass and *gasp* meet people!
Oh and another thing. If he doesn’t take initiative and take fucking care of himself from now on, I’m done. OVER IT! I told you before that I don’t want to take care of someone who doesn’t give a shit about themselves. OR expects me to wave a magic wand and make it all ok. Get off your lazy ass and do something! Stop being destructive in your own life, and start doing something right.
Ok, i’m done now 
Hey y’all
So the Rock out Beat Cancer party was a go!
Check it out HERE!
Oh, and if you need a party organized… I’m your girl!
Muah!
Soooo, this week has been bus-eh. SUPER BUZ-EH
Today was blood transfusion day. Gp needed more red blood cells. 2 Bags worth of RBCs. Want to know how long that took? 5 HOURS!
So I bought GP 2 newspapers and a cross word puzzle book, and left to do my errands. Then went back to pick him up and take him home.
What a long past 2 days. Oh yeah, we were at the hospital for a ling time yesterday, too.
So um, things aren’t going too well. GP is deteriorating. There, I said it. Well, I WROTE it.
He can’t really walk anymore.
He has blood tests in the morning, so let’s just see how those go. I have a feeling that at the meeting with the oncologist tomorrow chemo may be canceled.
Nothing I can do about it.
Dad was talking with me earlier about GP and how GP’s attitude has actually improved and he’s been more upbeat and grateful for everything. But what if it’s just the last grasp for life? Knowing it’s close, and not wanting to go quietly.
I can’t answer that. I am in complete denial that GP will ever be gone. EVER! He said he would stay to see me get married. And have kids. And that won’t happen for a long time.
I am angry, and terrified. but right now i’m crying, so i have to stop writing.
Life may be wonderful, and lovely, but it fucking sucks at times too.
Come out and support ROCK OUT BEAT CANCER! June 19 Belly Up Tavern
